When this is over, I'm killing you.
✯
Oh Hitman series, how I love thee so! Let me count the ways! Unfortunately all of the ways that make a Hitman game what it is (aside from the character's attire) are thrown out the window in favor of adrenaline-fueled action sequences and frenetic gunplay that dishonors the name of Agent 47. No kills that appear to take some well-thought out strategies, no competent dialogue, and the writers even felt the need to put a bathtub scene in the film that was also essentially used in the last adaptation. They can't think of something new? After all, this is what the Hitman games are about. Finding new, creative ways to off the targets.
The first thing I hated, right from the start, was Rupert Friend. This no-name actor was the worst personification of Agent 47 I've ever seen. He was awful at copying Agent 47's trademark accent, and he was just uncompelling to the max. The problem with adapting the Hitman series into a film is that the character is too perfect to provide any real sense of thrill. Every target is a perfect hit, he finds clever ways around obstacles blocking his targets, and almost everyone is basically just putty in his hands. Almost everyone.
Zachary Quinto plays the "villain" in the film, an upgraded agent from a similar program that Agent 47 was raised in. He is significantly more upgraded, physically speaking. His character has a convenient imperviousness to any and all weapons, because he just so happens to have some super sturdy skin that makes him essentially a walking Kevlar vest. Sure, it makes him a formidable villain, but when you watch 47 stab him in the heart and shoot him several times in the chest at point blank range, and he barely flinches, it's not awesome. It's just stupid. I want to see these baddies bleed, not shake off bullets like snowflakes.
Why do video game adaptations always seem doomed to fail? Maybe it's because we already have faces, voices, and environments to match the characters with the series. As opposed to books, where we can form our own individual worlds and the adapters are freer to add their own creative flair. Not with video games. If you mess up too many times, you just may make the wrong fanbase angry, which is why I fear for the upcoming Metal Gear Solid adaptation. I already had a hard enough time accepting Kiefer Sutherland replacing David Hayter as Naked Snake, I don't want to have to go through that ordeal again. Can Hollywood just leave video games alone? The two mediums don't seem to mix particularly well, as history has repeatedly shown us (with a few rare exceptions).
Bland, uninspired, and just downright offensive, Hitman: Agent 47 may be one of the worst films of the year. Which really shouldn't be any surprise to me, but it does leave me disappointed. For once, I'd like to see Hollywood directors band together and say "no more" to video game adaptations. It's obviously a total pipe dream to think that way though, since filmmakers only love the thought of money nowadays and not actual quality entertainment. That's why we have the same Marvel movies coming out every year with cardboard, cookie-cutter villains. They aren't bad, per say, but they all are beginning to blur together to me, since they all have the same elements. This Hitman adaptation brings absolutely nothing new to the table, and pales in comparison to the first attempt. When your reboot fails more than your first try does, shouldn't that be a sign to just give up? Are you listening, Hollywood? We're crying out for you to please stop. Please! It's an abominable waste of time, money, and talent all at once.