An Open Letter to Adam Sandler
1/2 Star
Dear Adam Sandler,
Sit down, please. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable before I begin? Perhaps a nice coma would suffice. Now that you're all snug and warm, allow me to begin by saying I just finished watching your incredibly massive failure The Cobbler instead of going to see your latest box office smash Pixels, due to my current economic state that will last until next week. Unfortunately, The Cobbler proved to be no more effective than any of your previous attempts, and I fear for the trivia-filledWreck-It Ralph ripoff that you have just released, not only because of the critical reception, but also just because you aren't funny anymore. At all.
Let me elaborate. What was the last movie you starred in that I found remotely funny? Looking back, I'm almost tempted to say that it was the overpriced Bed Bath and Beyond advertisement that was Click, but that one pales in comparison to some parts of50 First Dates. So let's go with the latter film, just for example's sake. That was 2004. Eleven years ago. It's been eleven years since you have managed to star in something that is remotely funny, and yet somehow Hollywood is still giving you the opportunity to churn out bland, abysmally unfunny comedies every year. Blended was one of the worst movies of 2014 for me, right next to Age of Extinction, and yet you somehow manage to disappoint me twice in one year (if you take into account that this was supposed to be released in 2014). My point, Mr. Sandler, is that you are simply irrelevant in today's comedy world. You have far outstayed your welcome to me, and the fact that Hollywood literally lets people like you and Seth MacFarlane make whatever you want every year for the sake of this so-called "comedy" makes me fear for the future of the entertainment medium as a whole. Shame on you for bringing our standards of comedy so low. I never laughed once in The Cobbler, Mr. Sandler. What does that tell you about me? That I'm a stick in the mud? Maybe. But what I think is that your brainless style of comedy is so pitifully unfunny that even when I tried to laugh I couldn't manage. I cried inside more than I even tried to laugh. I cried because I know that there are people out there who actually think that this crap is funny. That there's some hidden joke underneath this hollowed-out shell of a predictable, stupid mess.
The Cobbler was stamped with a PG-13 rating by the MPAA for language and a couple other things. What was so downright horrid that the almighty rating association had to slap the warning on it? "Crap." That's right. Every other line, your character was blurting out "What the crap?" That's some borderline PG-13 language right there, sir. Imagine if some unbeknownst parent had decided to let their child watch this film. They would have been subjected to the forsaken C-word countless times. How dare you. I mean, really. If you're going for a PG-13 comedy, you could at least manage to put in some real language that would have made it at least remotely funny (not that I'm for that or anything though).
But fear not, Mr. Sandler. I have a great theory that could completely save your career, and it involves completely revolutionizing this utter pile of feces. All you need is to get new principal stars, and rewrite the story making the protagonist an anti-hero, taking the lives of his innocent customers through his magical cobbling machine, or whatever it is. Think about it. The Cobbler could work so much better as an all-out gritty crime story, with the main character playing an identity thief moonlighting as a cobbler. But then, the police will be suspicious, because really do cobblers even exist anymore? Wasn't that a prominent profession in Holland in like the 1700's? What New Yorker in their right mind would choose to go into the profession of "cobbler?" Someone who's into some serious criminal activity, that's who. Maybe you could get Jake Gyllenhaal to play your main character, he's always great as the slimy con artist type of character. Just a thought.
Another thing, did you have to put two twists in the film that were so bloody predictable? I know, these will be spoilers next, but I'm not marking it in this totally-not-self-indulgent review because I will spoil everything to prevent anyone I can from seeing this terribly awful movie. So there's some secret society of cobblers that are mentioned in the beginning of the film and hold no bearing on the plot until the end, where surprise, his dad was disguised as Steve Buscemi (poor Dustin Hoffman) to protect him from criminal activities. Even though his son and wife had presumed he was dead the whole time. What a dirtbag father. I guess that's where Sandler's character got it from then, since he likes to steal the lives of literally any customer who gives him a pair of shoes that fit him. Isn't that so hilarious guys? It's such a funny premise when he's a literal identity thief who mysteriously gets flashy sports cars just because he looks like someone else. This is what passes as comedy nowadays. I hope you're happy, Adam. You have ruined the face of comedy and your own credibility in one fell swoop. May your career go the way of Geena Davis- quietly and with no one caring.
Sincerely,
A Very Angry Comedy Fan
In all seriousness, people, please don't watch this movie. If your friend comes over with a copy and asks to watch it with you, politely take the copy and burn it outside of your house with holy water. He'll understand. Trust me, you're both saving 90 minutes of your lives by not watching this. It shouldn't even be on Netflix. I thought Blended was Adam Sandler's worst, then I saw this. This is a whole new level of low. It's worse than "crap," it's worse than anything, almost as bad as Manos. Just look away and pretend this never happened. Maybe Adam will begin to realize how irrelevant he's becoming and dwindle his career away into obscurity. Sandler is the worst comedy actor working today, and this movie all but proves it to me. If you're still dying to see something good by him, watch anything pre-Click. At least you'll be able to reminisce on a time when Sandler could actually be funny without trying too hard, like he blatantly does in this thing that dares to call itself a comedy film.